Hope

It's funny how long ago our vacation seems, when in reality it was just 2 weeks ago when we relaxed and rested in Florida. I think back, and it is like a distant memory. A very special reprieve after a brutally hard year. Maybe our lives are meant to be the unique combination of trials and reprieves, with just enough reprieves to keep us going. Florida was a wonderful reprieve, without a doubt. And now, perhaps, that reprieve was to give me some amount of emotional energy and stamina to deal with the latest trial. An unpredicted trial. And one that has been requiring every ounce of trust I have in God to believe that somehow, this trial is for good. That it is according to His purpose. And it is necessary as part of my growth. Because right now I am not seeing it. At all. All I can see is the harshness of what I am in the middle of. The unfairness of it. And when I step outside of myself to look at it from a different perspective, I see no differently. It is an unfair struggle. And nothing that I have done or didn't do seems to give any explanation to why this is happening.

Instead, I have found myself looking for much needed mercies. And they are there, but I need to look a little harder to find them this time around. Maybe this time, God is teaching me that His mercies might not look the way I had hoped, or the way I want them or expect them to look like. But, they are there nonetheless. Mercies like the best four girls ever. Mercies like the words "I'm so sorry this is happening to you", spoken by a dear friend. The mercies of being prayed for and prayed over. The sweet mercy of having coworkers telling hysterically funny stories of experiences out in the field. The mercy of being home after work and having four girls play without ANY fighting. The mercy of my littlest one's sweet breath and tiny hand being the last thing I remember before falling asleep.

I am not sure why things need to be difficult sometimes, especially when all we are trying for is something good. But I do know that learning comes with each experience, and we are forever changed by our experiences of the day before. Hopefully, someday, I can look back and see the reason and purpose for all of this. I have to believe that. I have to hope. Right? There's another mercy, right there.