Grasping for Hope

Sweet baby Hope and I met for the second day of the liver transplant evaluation and she was going to be listed for transplant next Monday. However, her ultrasound of last week showed enough concerns that the nurse practitioner from Children's has just called to let me know that they will not list her as planned. They need to wait for results from an MRI to determine if she is still a candidate. To say that I am heartbroken would be an understatement. There are words like "urgent" "masses" and "foci" now in her record. I thought I would be able to handle this news better than I am. I know she is sick. Very sick. Maybe I deceived myself into thinking that it would all be ok. That she just needed to be listed for a transplant, and she would get a new liver and a new chance at life. I slipped into getting too far ahead of Him, and got my hopes up. I am now crushed by the possible reality that she does not have biliary atresia, treatable with transplant. I don't know what the team is thinking, but it's enough for them to stop the liver transplant process and that scares me. It scares me beyond words.

Before this adoption I had told God that even if His plan was for me to be with her as she flies into His arms, I could do it. That thought now terrifies me and I am pleading with Him not to take her. I do not think I can do it. Selfishly I want her with me. I want her to live. I want her to have as normal a life as possible, as was told to me on Monday by the liver transplant team. The team told me their goal was to see her get married one day. Now it seems that the likelihood of that happening is slipping away. I am trying to hold on. I am trying to have Hope in Him that His plan is good. I am trying to stay with Him in the present. This is just so, so hard. Harder than anything He has ever asked me to do before.

I need prayer support. I do not know how I can handle this otherwise. I am not sure what to tell you to pray for. Please just pray for my sweet baby. I am grasping for Hope.