Walking toward Hope

Eight months ago I would be boarding that plane to bring Hope home. I am not sure the english dictionary has the correct vocabulary word to express the fear I had. I had absolutely no doubt that getting on that plane was what I was meant to do. And I would do it, no matter how panicked I was. But the words in my head would have arguments with each other. Literally. "What are you doing" would be met with "doing exactly what you are supposed to do". Back and forth. Over and over. I think it was the unknowns and self doubt that caused the most fear. Which led to more conversations in my mind "sure you are meant to do it, but can you handle it?" "you know, this is going to be ridiculously hard", and "what happens if....". Again, over and over. I suppose in many ways the fear could be easily paralyzing. The fear could create a roadblock to doing what I knew I was being called to do. Some may even have said that walking away could be justified. Maybe it would just be "too hard".

So I did it afraid. That night eight months ago, as we headed to the airport, we were given a ride by a dear friend of mine who made me laugh. She is naturally just a fun person. Easy to talk to. And she could tell the best stories. As I listened to her and we caught up, I laughed and laughed. For moments at a time, I would forget how afraid I was. Talk about a mercy. Such.a.mercy. By the time we got into the airport and through security to our gate those feelings of fear crept up again in full force. This was it. There would be no looking back. We were going to China, where we would receive Hope. I think it was there, at that gate, that I realized that there would also be no looking forward. No looking back and no looking forward. Only looking at the hear and now. Only looking at the present. And for moments, peace began to ensue. Just as it did during that car ride to the airport when I was fully present and living in the moment.

Hope truly lives in the moment. She has a zest for life that is just palpable. She is such a happy baby. So content. Despite all that she has been through and endured, she loves living. She is my hero. Hope reminds me every day to try to bask in the moment and allow it to remain untainted by the "what ifs" of tomorrow.

Six weeks ago she lay in an OR receiving her gift of life. Today, she lives. Today, I live. Today, we live.

Choose Hope.