The call

A year ago I was agonizing over a whisper I had received in my soul to adopt a 4th daughter. Literally, agonizing. My friends and family can attest to my state of mind at that time. My coworkers saw my weary self at work each day as I struggled to discern the right thing to do. My pastor, his wife, and some in our congregation saw the stress. At the time, I actually wished that someone could make the decision for me. That someone could tell me what to do. God doesn't work that way, and this call was mine. Not for anyone else to make. But for me.

What started out as advocating for little Yaoyao, an orphan with thalassemia, to find a family turned into a call for me to adopt once more. To bring her into my family. I really thought that God must be mistaken. I wondered if He was a bit nuts. Or joking. I conceived that maybe it was all in my head. I mean, I am a single mother. To three kids already. And one of them has beta thal major. I work full time. We live in a 2 bedroom condo. Wasn't that enough? My plate seemed pretty full to me. I wrestled with what God was doing. Yet, every time I tried to tell myself, "no, that call is not for you" or "no, you already have too much", my spirit was restless. That is the best I can describe it, although it was more than a vague restlessness. It was much more powerful. It was an agonizing restlessness. I would practice to pretend saying "no, I can't do it", and my spirit felt heavy. Part of me wanted to listen to some of my family, to some of my friends, to others who told me I had completely lost my mind. That I should not do it. I wanted to believe them, that they would know better than God about what was best for me, and my girls, and for little Yaoyao. Because, it REALLY, REALLY seemed crazy. What it came down to, is that I had a choice. I needed to respond to that call. And, there were two possible answers. I could follow that call, clearly a difficult call, or I could be disobedient. My disobedience would have been justified to the eyes of the world. It would have been justified to many of those I love. But, what I realized in a sermon today, was that there really is no excuse for disobedience. Even when the easier answer is to disobey. He explained that when God calls us, or wants certain things from us, it often clashes with the values of the world. Maybe it even clashes with the values or expectations of us from those who love us.

Today's sermon resonated powerfully with me, as I relive the year anniversary of that agonizing over my call. The seminarian's sermon focused on Matthew 4:18-22, where the disciples follow Christ. They had an invitation, a call. And they chose to follow. They gave up alot by following. I am sure that their friends and family thought they were crazy. Maybe they even lost some friends' or family support. I wonder if some of those friends and family thought they completely lost their minds. They had a choice, and they surrendered. They surrendered fears, unbelief of others, everything. All for that call. Their call.

God has called me to do this. Of that I am completely certain. I know it deep in my heart and soul. I still receive the funny looks, the inquisitive questions, the disbelief, of how did I KNOW. How did I know it was a call. I just knew. Just as I know there is a God. A God who cares so deeply about me and my girls. The same God who cares so deeply about orphans. That same God who cares about *all* of us, without any exclusions. Others who have heard a call from God, regardless of what that call is, will understand. I think they might have experienced the wrestling. They even might have experienced the agony of choosing. Is it hard sometimes, as I go along with my life? Absolutely. Does that mean there is no joy? Absolutely NOT. I have experienced joy unimaginable with this adoption. Have I received countless mercies from the people He has placed in my life, to prove to me that I am not doing this alone? Without.A.Doubt. It is "not an easy call, but it's worth it" as seminarian Jeff so eloquently explained to our congregation, whenever we follow the specific call God has for us. We are not called to have easy lives, and I actually wonder if the idea of an "easy life" is a myth.

I think today's sermon was a wink from God. He knew how hard that call was. He knew how hard it was for me to just trust Him completely, in a way I never had before, and how it would change my world forever. How deeply grateful I am for giving me my call. For being patient with me. And for giving me a life I would never, ever want to be any different.