Grace and love

I have exceptional children. Exceptional friends. Exceptional family. Exceptional church family. An exceptional life. Never, would I have ever imagined a life like this. I know I have said it before, but it is truth. A life so full. Full of love, joy, laughter, and goodness.

This past week has been a blur. A much needed break after a very long year. It was a time I had prayed for, for months now, and God kindly answered. Me, in my weak human state, worried about this precious time somehow being thwarted, either by illness or by some other type of negative influence. I worried, rather than trusted. I had expectations of perfection rather than expectations of a joyous time which also included merciful provisions, given the imperfections of living life.

One of my dearest friends was willing to help plan this vacation, and accompany me along with my 4 children. Not exactly a rest filled vacation for someone who works very hard professionally and dedicates her own life to helping others. My friend's generosity and thoughtfulness enabled this trip to happen. She carefully researched and found a quieter family friendly place for us, along the gulf coast which is where I had hoped to be. This place allowed memories to be made and reminded me of the fullness of our life. Precious memories of four girls laughing along the seashore and enjoying the calm surf, of six of us enjoying meals together (even in a "fancier" restaurant in our beach cover ups), of talking the evenings away, of watching my oldest daughter help my youngest to swim, of searching for shells and sand dollars, of catsup being hurled through the air, of watching the sunset, and of spending ordinary time together made extraordinary because of a Christ centered friendship. The trip allowed me to forget the struggle of the past year along and focus and live in the present moment. Soaking in all the gift of each minute, hour, and day.

While my daughters and I were relaxing in Florida, other friends decided to become "elves" and place a new flooring in my condo. Actually, as another dear friend said, they became missionaries. They worked selflessly, after long days at their own workplaces, to place a floor that professionals would be envious of. Gone is the ragged carpeting which had accompanied our condo for the past 10 years. Gone is the buckling. A new beautiful laminate flooring was installed, with such careful detail attended to including caulking and baseboards. All done in a stifling hot condo without working air conditioning. Conditions they would likely never admit to, instead telling stories about how fun it was for three engineers to figure out at what angle to cut a corner or how our kitten curiously helped them with the saw.

As we started for home this morning, I was overwhelmed at how loved my girls and I are by those around us. I am incredibly lucky to have the people here who are in my life. People willing to make sacrifices for us without letting on that they are doing so. Author Paul Wadell writes about spiritual friendships, and says "there are some debts we can never repay" to our friends. I know this is true. This past week has proved it. And I am grateful to experience the love of God working through the love, care, and goodness of some very special friends.

Thirty six hours

In 36 hours we are supposed to be going on vacation. As my eldest cleverly remarked "it will be our first time ever on a plane when we aren't going to adopt or volunteer in China". We have planned to go to Florida. For a rest vacation. Because, after the past year and all of the unexpected medical and school encounters, well, I am tired. The beach is a place where I have always been able to recharge and forget the tougher things of life to just experience joy. We all love being there. I want this summer to have a memory for my girls, as sisters, spending 4 days at the gulf coast. I have been counting the days for months, until our departure. I have been imagining the beautiful clear water, with baby powder sand, and watching four girls laugh and play. I have dreamed of watching a sunset on the gulf coast. It is a bucket list trip, of sorts.

Last week, Hannah Joy vomited in the middle of the night. She hadn't eaten much dinner, and seemed tired. I immediately began praying against the domino effect. With 5 of us living in pretty close quarters, dominoes could easily happen. Especially with the dreaded type of bug. By Friday, I was feeling hopeful we had dodged the bullet. Maybe, just maybe, this was a one kid thing. My hopes were dashed when Mia came into my room last night, in the middle of the night, saying she too had vomited. This, within 48 hours of flight departure.

Today, I have wondered if it is selfish of me to want this get away. Of all the weeks for my children to get sick, why now? I have been trying to make sense of it most of the day. Traveling with a cold can be tough to take. Traveling with a vomit illness is my version of torture. In 2008, on one of our orphanage volunteer trips, one of my children vomited the entire time in the airport, on our flight, and in the car. I would rather take a needle through my toe than go through that again. I am sure the child who was sick during that time would agree.

And so, I am looking for mercy here. I'm trying to hope I will find some. Single parenting during acute illness has always been the hardest for me to do. Hands down, it is always the time when I wish I had an extra set of hands. I had hoped that this vacation would be without incident. Without the need to search for mercies. I am trying to trust that it is going to work out, and will cling to any mercy I can get.

My village

Birthdays always seem like a natural time to look back and reflect on one's life, and look ahead to where one is going. When I was 18, I went away to college and met my first "real" long term boyfriend. I assumed we would marry, start a family, and live out our lives together happily ever after. When that didn't happen, I remember times where I questioned and wrestled with God. Why wasn't my experience like my friends who were all marrying their college sweethearts? What was my life going to look like? Would I look back someday and have regrets?

As life moved on and I got my graduate degree, the desire to become a mother grew stronger. I seriously considered adoption. The rest is history. A good history. MY history. A history which is filled with no regrets. I honestly can say that I now thank God that `I did not marry my then boyfriend. My life would have been so different. So, so different. I would never know the joy that now encompasses my life through my four daughters. I would not be the person I have become without them. I literally shudder at the thought of not having them in my life.

Being single isn't always an easy way to go through life. They say it takes a village to raise children. I actually think that the phrase should be expanded to say it takes a village to get through life. For all of us, whether single or married. A village of different roles people, important people, play in our lives. People in the roles of best friends, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, church community. I know in my life, I would be lost without the people who stand beside me. The people who are my friends. Not just "friends" in name, but real true friends.

As humans, we are formed to be in relationships with others. Since the day we are born, we are learning how to be in relationships. First with our family, and then with the outside world. We are not meant to go through life alone. In society, there is a huge emphasis on marriage, with marriage being the quintessential relationship. Understandably so, and I do not dismiss it. But, as I think on my life as one where I cherish the friendships I have made as an unmarried person, I believe there is no less value on the people who have become my deepest friends. Nor is there less value to those relationships I hold with my dearest friends. Those friends who know the joys and sorrows of my life. Those who have seen my faults and continue to stand by me. Those who know my deepest fears, and my greatest accomplishments. The people who I know I can count on whether things are great or in crisis. The people I can vent to, pray with, and laugh with. The people who can stop by and see my house in disarray without judgement. The people who can see my children misbehave and offer encouragement, not criticism. The people I can be most vulnerable with, and know that they will understand and help me grow.

Looking back at my life, I can see how God gifted me through the people He placed in my life. How He prepared me to be in the place where I am at now. This unexpected, yet beautiful place that is my life. Over the years, I have had such authentic friends who have helped me grow into who I am and who challenge me to keep on growing. Friends who have reflected the face of God. Friends who have come alongside with me to China, to experience something I love so deeply that it is hard to put into words. Friends who drop everything to bring food or drink when I am sick. Friends who would willingly choose the chaos of a vacation with me and four young girls. Friends who will pick up the phone to listen to me despite their own hectic life responsibilities. Friends who see me as I am, with four amazing little girls, and love me as well as them. Friends whose thoughtfulness and care go beyond what is deserved.

I am blessed, really incredibly blessed beyond measure, by the people in my life. Truly, they are my gifts. And today, as I reflect back on my life and consider where I might be going, I feel content at where I am. I celebrate these special people who are my friends and the roles they play in my life. I am so grateful for the chance to be in relationship with them, and for the privilege of being a friend to them too. And I am looking forward to another year with some amazing people to share life with.

A new year

We made it. Today marks the new fiscal year for my employer, which means that all of our benefits begin again. I ended last week with zero sick time left. Zero. Talk about panic when it comes to having 4 children where only one illness can bring a game of dominoes. I start today with 80 hours of sick time to be used in the upcoming year. Thank.You.God. The new year is here and it's a fresh start.

Those who know me know how much I love light. And warmth. Summer is, for me, the perfect time of year. It's the time to play together and rest together. The academic year is done, which brings a sense of relief. Huge relief. Especially after this past year. I think back and shudder at all that has happened. But more than that, I rejoice in all the mercies that happened along the way. We were provided for, by God and by friends and family. We were carried through. Mia's school year ended by her new first grade teacher reporting "she's not making benchmarks" and the school special education department asking to do further evaluations for her in September to give her more services that she needs. Talk about a contrast from only four months ago when her previous teacher said she sees "no disability". Lianna also was identified as needing continued help for her dyslexia, and in no way should services decrease, but increase. If we had not gone through the struggle of this past year, none of this would have come to light for either of my precious girls. Huge, huge, mercy. Mia and Hannah Joy's transfusion were able to happen as scheduled. Every single one of them. Despite coxsackie, influenza A, and random fever illnesses, not one needed to be rescheduled. My fellow thal mamas, especially those who are treated at CHB will know the significance of this. Huge mercy. I still have a long road with Mia. I have yet to set up the endocrine testing and appointments needed to start growth hormone. She will need a full body MRI, bloodwork, a hormone challenge, consults with several specialists. Given the enormity of this, and the fact that I am at the point where I need to recharge, I will begin scheduling these things in August. Part of me feels guilty about this, and part of me feels that I need to allow myself a break by just focusing on the thalassemia care for the summer rather than the Russell Silver syndrome and thalassemia. I choose to give myself that mercy. We have been welcomed into the Russell Silver community, where fellow parents can share the joys and struggles of parenting children with this condition. Another huge mercy. Despite all that was happening in our family, Katelyn did incredibly well managing the transition to middle school. She made wise choices with friends. She had perfect attendance. She played on teams for soccer and basketball. She loves youth group. She ended the year with a 4.0 GPA. Mercy. And Hannah Joy, oh my sweet baby girl, is thriving. This year began with something no child should ever need to experience. She was taken from all that was familiar to her. Familiar people, sights, smells, sounds all gone. Removed from her second set of parents, and placed into my family. Her year began with loss. Such a huge loss. Grief. And yet, she trusted. She expected to be loved and cherished. She soaked it in, over this past year, and she has thrived. She is much more secure and confident that she is here now and will never have to leave again. She is trying to believe that "mama never never leave me. Mama always always come back", words that she says each night as she falls asleep next to me. Another enormous mercy.

Our new beginning is here. As a family we will bask in the light and warmth. And try to get some rest. Talk about mercy. I cherish that one, and will look forward to what this next year will bring. I look forward to all of it. The joys, struggles, and mercies.